You know who I feel bad for? Like really, truly feel bad for? The first guy that got a barbed wire tattoo around his arm. It was probably a special forces guy who got it after ‘Nam, with the barbs representing each life he took with ice cold unforgiving vengeance. First, being in ‘Nam was badass enough. It’s not like that war was easy, you know? It was humid, there were bugs everywhere, and it never stopped raining. Oh, and people shot at you. All the time. It would literally rain bullets on some days, which made the actual rain a welcome respite from the lead sleet.
And when that guy got stateside, he didn’t join a protest group or throw his medals onto the White House lawn. Instead, he got a tattoo and punched every a-hole who held a “Baby killer!” sign. Right in the face. Oh, and at time, tattoos were pretty badass. The only guys who had the ink were soldiers (totally badass), punk rockers (admittedly not badass, but non-conformists all the same, which is badass in its own right), and tribesmen from the Sarengetti, who would routinely chase down and kill lions with sticks. So it’s not like every Tom, Dick and Harry had a tattoo. There wasn’t a parlor on every corner with douches named “Gauge” working the counter – you know, the guys with sleeves of Koi fish blowing fire onto Hans Gruber or some other crappy design.
So when this guy got his ink, it meant something.
But things have changed.
Now every asshat and their mother an armband tattoo, and they all suck. So this first guy who got one, you know, after he got done killing all those people, is now being lumped in with every 22 year old who is wearing a sleeveless shirt and driving an Eclipse with equally sucky ground effects. So now, people like me walk by and go “Wow, what an unoriginal tattoo,” and all that guy can do is sob a little on the inside, because every cock-ass from So-Cal to Maine has to somehow prove their cock-assery.
It's either this or testicles. Take your pick.
If I was a tattoo artist, I would invoke a ballcrush-on-site policy for every guy that asked for an armband. You want an armband tattoo? Fine, but I’m crushing your balls with my foot. Because as a man, you can have either your balls or a silly-ass tattoo. You can’t have both. That’s like having a sense of humor and thinking Dane Cook is funny. But I digress. I am now convinced that tattoos are now just as accurate to determine the dicks in the world, just like animal abuse is used to predict serial killers.
And just the like the markings on tree rings, tattoos can be useful to tell us just exactly what kind of a-hole we are dealing with.
Armband tattoo: unoriginal dick.
Neck tattoo: thinks he’s badass but really isn’t dick.
Ankle tattoo: probabaly a chick dick.
Sleeve tattoo: will never get a real job that isn’t at an American Outfitters dick.
Face tattoo: will say he loves Daisy De La Hoya just to be on television while probably contracting herpes dick.
Tribal tattoo: you’re a Minnesotaian, not a Mayan dick.
And the list goes on.
So the next time that one friend that you have, you know the one, the one who wears under armor as an actual shirt. When he tries to get an armband tattoo, do yourself, and the rest of society a favor, and kick him squarely in the balls.
It’s the right thing to do.
+1