The Angry Rant

It’s the 2009 Oscars, and if there is one that is better than watching Hollywood masturbate, it’s reading the play-by-play by a smarmy college graduate. So here we go, a running diary of the Oscars, Bill Simmons-style.

7:56 – I clocked in a few minutes early to catch the last few minutes of the Barbara Walters special, only to see Hugh Jackman give Barbara a lap dance. This feels like an omen, but I’m not quite sure which kind.

8:00 – And we’re live from the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. It looks like Mickey Rourke has a silver tooth. I wonder if he knows that.

8:01 – Robin Roberts and Tim Gunn from Project Runway are talking about fashion. This is like breaking your leg in the first 100 feet of a marathon. Side note: Tim Gunn’s last name is more fitting of a villain in a Bruce Willis movie from the 90s.

8:03 – The countdown to the show is now reading 26:47, which means a lot more of this fashion talk. I clearly did not think this through.

[Editor’s Note: It’s all red carpet and fashion at this point. I’ll check back in when the actual show kicks off, otherwise, there may be an Oscar de la Renta–related suicide.]

8:17 – Just saw the commercial for Nicolas Cage’s “Knowing,” which means his Cal Ripken-like streak of bad movies is safe, at least for now.

8:30 – And we’re back! Tonight’s festivities are brought to us by Diet Coke, AllState and Hyundai. That’s good to know.

8:31 – I’m not sure how I feel about Hugh Jackman. On one hand, he is Wolverine, but on the other hand, he can sing, dance, and he can have sex with your wife without even being in the room.

8:34 – The opening number features sets that are supposed to be frugal because of the economy. Something tells me they cost more.

8:36 – Hugh Jackman just got to touch Anne Hathaway. It’s official, I hate him.

8:37 – Hugh is dangerously close to breaking worse than Jimmy Fallon during Saturday Night Live sketch.

8:39 – Solid opening number. So far, I’m marginally satisfied.

8:40 – Our second shot of Brangelina. Somewhere, Jennifer Aniston and Jonny Lee Miller are vomiting. Jackman just slipped in a joke about steroids. Talk about range.

8:41 – Our first montage of the night, this one is about past award winners. Holy hell, did Whoopi Goldberg actually win an Oscar? Didn’t she have to give that one back? You know, for not being funny?

8:43 – It appears that Tilda Swinton is wearing a bedsheet. And that wasn’t a sex joke…yet.

8:47 – And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress goes to…Penelope Cruz! I had Amy Adams. So far, I’m 0 for 1. Spanish accent + sobbing = hilarious.

8:54 – Tina Fey and Steve Martin are making some jokes. Ironically, there is no joke here.

8:57 – And the winner for Best Original Screenplay goes to…Milk. It’s not looking good so far, I had wall-E. I think that omen I was talking about is true. Stupid Hugh Jackman.

8:59 – Tina Fey is gorgeous. And funny. I wonder if she likes baseball.

9:01 – And the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay goes to…”Slumdog Millionaire.” Alright, we are on the board. Suck it, Barbara Walters. Not literally though.

9:02 – Jennifer Aniston is on the stage. Aaaaaaawkward…Seriously though, she looks a tad uncomfortable. Aaaaand they cut to Angelina. Apparently, the cameramen were replaced by the girls from “The Hills.”

9:07 – And the Oscar for Best Animated Film goes to…”wall-E.” Two in a row! Truth be told, I had this written even before they opened up the envelope. There was only three nominations in this category this year. You have to wonder how that makes the producers of “Space Chimps” feel. “Yeah, we have two other spots available for nominees, but your film was so bad we couldn’t even throw it up as a courtesy. That’s like getting rejected by the girl who no one wanted to take to the prom.

9:09 – And the Oscar for Best Animated Short Film goes to…”La Maison en Petits Cubes .” I had my money on “Oktapodi.” That’s the last time I pick based on a funny sounding name. I am now regretting picking Flombonius Pantaloones for Best Actor.

9:10 – Kato Kunio just said “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.” The funny thing is, he was actually thanking his 8^th grade shop teacher, Frank Roboto.

9:15 – Daniel Craig just stepped on Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress. It seems that her boobs decided to join us tonight.

9:18 – And the Oscar for Best Art Direction goes to…”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” Now it’s all tied up. These guys are boring. Seriously, very boring. No wonder they worked on that movie.

9:21 – And the Oscar for Best Costume Design goes to…”The Duchess.”I’m up, 4-3. Never bet against the period pieces. Did they manage to find the only non-charming British guy to accept the award for this movie?

9:22 – The award for Best Makeup is up next…Good Lord, did they put the most boring awards in a row on purpose? At least this gives us time to drop a deuce without missing the important stuff.

9:23 – And the Oscar for Best Makeup goes to…”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” 5-3, me.

9:25 – Oh, it’s Robert Pattison from “Twilight” and the girl from that Abba movie. One actor from the unintentionally funniest movie of the year, and one actress from a movie that somehow made Abba’s music worse. Good job, Oscars. Aren’t you supposed to celebrate excellence in film?

9:32 – Ben Stiller is doing a Joaquin Phoenix impression. Funny stuff. On a side note, Natalie Portman looks slammin’.

9:35 – And the Oscar for Best Cinematography goes to…”Slumdog Millionaire.” 6-3, me. Call me butter, cuz I’m on a roll!

9:36 – [Editor’s note: Is anyone else bored by this yet?]

9:38 – Ladies and gentleman, Jessica Biel! How funny would it be if someone yelled “Take off your top!”

9:43 – The “Pineapple Express” bit is pretty solid. If only the entire show was hosted by Seth Rogen and James Franco, it would be just watching every other award show, except funny.

9:48 – And the Oscar for Best Live Action Short goes to…”Spielzeugland.” Oh, the streak is broken. 6-4.

9:54 – Hugh and Beyonce’s duet was going so well until Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens showed up. I’m officially getting bored of this. Time to dig deep.

9:57 – Jackman just proclaimed that “The musical is back!” Didn’t “Chicago” win Best Picture three years ago?

9:58 – Oh, a farce with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds where they need to pretend they are engaged so that she can keep her job or something. Let me guess how this goes: they start off hating each other, then some hijinks occur, and they end up falling in love. Wouldn’t it be so much better if one of these movies ended with them murdering each other? Yeah, it’d be a downer, but you would never see that one coming.

10:03 – It’s Christopher Walken! The show has officially hit its second Hoffman. Alan Arkin said “Seymour Phillip Hoffman.” Not surprisingly, no one notices.

10:05 – Has it really been 13 years since Cuba Gooding Jr. won his Oscar?

10:05 – Christopher Walken. That’s it. Christopher Walken.

10:07 – And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor goes to…Heath Ledger! 7-5. A very somber moment, his mother, father and sister accept the offer. On a serious note, Heath was an amazing talent who left us far, far too soon. His performance as The Joker “The Dark Knight” is going to go down in history as one of the greatest performances in the history of film. He managed to show up Jack Nicholson’s performance as The Joker. Something that is not easy to do, Heath did it with such ease, God Bless, Heath.

10:15 – And the Oscar for Best Documentary goes to…”Man on Wire!” 8-5! For those of you who are not aware, “Man on Wire” is about a man who tight roped walked between the World Trade Centers. That is what we call “balls.”

10: 18 – And the Oscar for Best Documentary Short Subject goes to…”Smile Pinki.” 8-6. “Smile Pinki!” is about a surgeon who repairs cleft palates of children in poor parts of the world.

10:22 – Tom Cruise and Jimmy Kimmel did a commercial together. Say what you want about Tom Cruise, but the man can bring it.

10:23 – For being the host, Hugh Jackman has a surprisingly small amount of screen time.

10:25 – Will Smith’s three minutes of screen time just grossed 120 million dollars.

10:26 – The Oscar for Outstanding Visual Effects goes to…”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” 9-6. That movie was grossly overrated, but visually, it was amazing.

10:27 – Will Smith just said “Boom goes the dynamite.” Somewhere, this guy just peed himself.

10:30 – And the Oscar for Best Sound Editing goes to…”The Dark Knight!” 10-6.

10:32 – And the Oscar for Best Sound Mixing goes to…”Slumdog Millionaire!” Curses, I had “The Dark Knight.” 10-7.

10:34 – And the Oscar for Best Film Editing goes to…”Slumdog Millionaire!” Once again, I had “The Dark Knight.” 10-8. I’m officially nervous.

10:37 – Okay, most of you have checked out, and those of you who are still reading, thank you. This is my first foray into the running diary, and it’s not any easy task to inject humor or jokes into the proceedings. We are nearing the stretch, so I’ll try to step it up.

10:41 – Eddie Murphy presents the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis. Kids, take notes. The world can never have enough Jerry Lewiseseses.

Jerry Lewis has helped raise money and awareness for Muscular Dystrophy. His charity, Jerry’s Kids, has raised millions to help with patient care and research. Go here to learn more about how you can help.

10:55 – The Oscar for Best Original Score goes to…”Slumdog Millionaire!” It’s now 10-9. Damn you, James Newton Howard.

10:56 – Okay, while they are singing the nominees for Best Original Song, so I’ve got a lot of time to rant. Why didn’t Bruce Springsteen’s The Wrestler get nominated? That is an Oscar snub if I’ve ever seen one. Last year, there were five nominees for the category; this year, there was only three. What’s the deal, Academy? You didn’t want to throw Bruce a bone?

10:59 – After hearing both songs from “Slumdog Millionaire,” I’m feeling pretty safe with my pick for Down to Earth from “wall-E.” Oh crap, they just said that Peter Gabriel wrote it. I wish I would have known that. I have a feeling that it’s going to be tied.

11:01 – And the Oscar goes to…”Jai Ho!” It’s all tied up, 10-10. This never would have happened if Bruce was nominated. Excuse me while I lick my wounds.

11:04 – There are five picks left, I can’t tie. I can only win or lose. It’s go time!

11:06 – Liam Neeson and announce the nominations for Best Foreign Language Film. Every time I see Liam Neeson, I can’t help but think of that episode of Family Guy where he plays the American cowboy.

11:07 – And the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film goes to…”Departures!” Well, that’s it. 11-10. I need to go 3-for-4 if I want to come out ahead.

11:09 – It’s time for a local commercial break! It’s a political commercial for some guy who I don’t know. He was slinging some mud at his opponent who voted to raise his pay, and then made the promise that he would never vote to raise his pay. Well, that’s because you’re stupid.

11:11 – It’s time for In Memoriam. Nice touch with Queen Latifah singing. She doesn’t get enough credit for her vocal talent. They finished with Paul Newman. Very touching.

11:17 – Jimmy Kimmel is going to have Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson on his show tonight. Talk about range.

11:22 – And the Oscar for Best Director goes to…”Danny Boyle!” Woo! 11-11! He just jumped up and down ala Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. Gotta love that.

11:26 – It’s officially crunch time. Three awards left, I need two to come out ahead. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t call this a successful evening, but now I’m just trying to salvage it.

11:32 – And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…”Kate Winslet!” 12-11, I take the lead! Finally, this is long overdue for Kate Winslet, who is fast becoming the next Meryl Streep. If you ever thought that these awards don’t mean anything, I implore you to watch her speech again. Pure joy.

11:40 – Richard Jenkins looks like everyone’s father. I have a sneaking suspicion that he is going to walk away with this.

11:41 – Why the eff is Robert Pattison sitting behind Mickey Rourke? Side note, Mickey’s hands were seriously shaking when Sir Ben was addressing him. If he wins, I might lose it.

11:43 – And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to…Sean Penn! 12-12. I had my money riding on Mickey Rourke. How could he not win? He was better than the movie, and he was indistinguishable from the character.

If you want to learn something about “Milk,” look up “The Twinkie Defense.”

11:45 – Well, it all comes down to Best Picture.

11:53 – And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to…”Slumdog Millionaire!” That puts me over the top!
The dark horse of the year comes through, taking home 8 Oscars as the biggest winner of the night.

For the night, I correctly predicted 13 out of 25 awards. Quite frankly, that’s pretty terrible. Oh well, it was fun.

Stay tuned for Jimmy Kimmel Live, it should be a good one.

Good night.

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