The Angry Rant

This edition of Jerk O’ The Week comes to you after much thought and consideration, which led to this idea nearly being scrapped many times over. As most of you have heard (and bless those of you who haven’t), celebrity blogger (which is code for “unemployable a-hole”) and annoying douche extraordinaire Perez Hilton was punched in the face this past weekend after he had a confrontation with Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas. A lot of other nonsense happened after that, including Tweets for help, the sun rising, and Hilton releasing a 12 minute video where he pretty much does nothing but cry about the whole thing in a pity party that would be fit for a king. A whiny, poorly dressed king.

After all the dust settled, the series of events became more and more evident. Will.I.Am didn’t hit Hilton, and in fact, he really didn’t even come close to it. Not only that, but Hilton appeared to be the chief instigator of the brawl. As evidenced by this video (and by Hilton himself), Perez called Will.I.Am “a fucking faggot” because that would be “…the worst possible thing that that thug would ever want to hear.”

A melee broke out, and Perez was struck in the face, allegedly, by Polo Molina, the band’s manager. Perez called the police, then he took to the Twitter machine to tell the world of the incident. Among his tweets was this: “I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.”

Got it so far? Great. Because Perez has the honor of The Angry Rant’s Jerk O’ The Week!

First things first, I need to clear the air about something: I am not condoning what happened to Hilton. I am not encouraging others to follow suit, nor am I congratulating the guilty party for committing this act. This act of violence was not the appropriate response to this situation.

Having said that, let me say something else. I really hate celebrity. Not celebrities, as in the people, but celebrity, as in the subculture that is the end result of the obsession that our society has with famous people. I hate the constant attention that is paid to these “famous” people, I hate that Ashton Kutcher’s  followers on Twitter outnumbers the number of voters in last year’s election, I hate that TMZ has more viewers than the news, I hate that the mainstream media feels the need to devote airtime to these retards, and I hate that they think we should care about their opinions. But most of all, I hate the thousands of sites that are dedicated to every fiber of their being, with posts cropping up every 25 seconds that are usually no more than “Look, Britney Spears just took a dump! I wonder what color it is!” or “Oh no, Harrison Ford ordered a cheeseburger…does he like pickles? I bet he does! Go Indiana Jones!”

It’s really ridiculous, and it’s no wonder why more people have seen Kim Kardashian’s sex tape than can locate South America on a map. Or North America. Or even recognize what the eff a map even is.

I fought myself over writing this, because its just one more blog about celebrities and their problems that I (and we all) should really care less about. But given the nature of the situation, and the mind-numbing stupidity, audacity, the gall, the balls, the idiocy, the hypocrisy, and the retarded media swarm surrounding it, well, it just became to much to ignore.

So anyway, Perez is the JOTW. Why? Well, for a number of reasons. First, that self-important, circle jerk of a website he has is nothing more than poorly crafted insults attached to pictures that someone else took that summarizes a story that someone else wrote. Basically, he is the Carlos Mencia of celebrity blogs.

Second, this whole situation has proven that Perez is nothing more than a liar, a hypocrite, and a dick.

He tweeted that Will.I.Am assaulted him (untrue), he called him a faggot (I’ll let you figure out the hypocrisy on that one), and he has spun this whole thing to make himself look like the victim (which he is, in one way) while filing a civil suit against Polo Molina, claiming that he is a victim of an intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Okay, so Will.I.Am didn’t hit him, and in this video, he appears to be on the receiving end of Perez’s verbal assaults. LIAR!

He called Will.I.Am “…a fucking faggot” in order to get a rise out of him. He intentionally said those words to set him off. He admits this in the video post made on his blog after the event took place. He used a word slur that the gay community hates, because he wanted to insult Will.I.Am. In a statement on his blog, he claims that he “never claimed to be a spokesperson for the gay community.” Forgive me, but you represent yourself, and by extension, whatever communities you belong to. Britney Spears may never have claimed to be a role model, but that doesn’t make her any less of one. But because Hilton is a gay man, and is vocal in the gay community, that does, in a way, make him a representative, whether he likes it or not. So for him to verbally attack Will.I.Am in that fashion is completely hypocritical. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) released a statement in response to Hilton, saying “For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is, quote, ‘The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,’ is incredibly dangerous.”

And they are absolutely right. Not only does that make Perez a bit of a hypocrite, but it is completely counterproductive to who he is. That’s like me trying to set someone off by saying “Hey, you’re a college graduate, a semi-professional and you blog about stupid people! Suck it, bitch!” HYPOCRITE!

And that suit that he filed against Molina? That’s all well and good, and I don’t fault him for it, but I have one question: When he decided to file that suit, did he do it before or after he blogged about how ugly he thinks Fergie is (He uses the word “Fugly” like a million times to describe her. I may have made that up.) Or was he too busy drawing penises or jizz stains on Hilary Duff’s face? Man, his job must be tough.

You see, Hilton can be just as guilty of causing emotional distress because of the things he writes about people. Words are just as useful as fists when it comes to hurting someone. And that is what he does on a daily basis. He says a lot of mean things about people, and those insults that he thinks are oh so cute have barbs, and those wounds don’t always heal. DICK!

A lot of people have called this incident the end result of karma. Karma for all the celebrities people he has disparaged just to make a buck, karma for his self-important attitude, and faux-journalistic bullshit.

(Oh, did you know that last year, after singer/actor/some guy Jesse McCartney was attacked outside of a club, that Perez joked about it? That’s what he call irony. Or something. I call it “being a colossal turd.”)

But I don’t call this an act of karma. The cosmos aren’t paying him back for this past transgressions. No, this is just what happens when you say enough nasty shit about people. That is eventually going to get in trouble. You can only poke a bear so many times before the bear eventually gets pissed off and effs someone up.

I’m not saying Perez deserved what happened, I’m not saying that it was right, and I’m not saying that it wasn’t an unfortunate situation, and I’m not saying it was karma.

But if you throw enough rocks at a hornet’s nest, you’re going to get stung.

Tags:   Jerk O' The Week · Perez Hilton5 Comments