Despite the box office receipts and the occasional (sparse is a more appropriate word) glowing review from fanboys, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is an abysmal movie. Of course, most of you probably already know that, because something like 10 billion people have already seen it. So odds are you’ve seen it or you know someone who has, so it’s safe to say that you know how awful it is.
And really, awful isn’t even the best word. Atrocious is better. Loathsome. Nauseating.
Yeah, there is more action. But in a Michael Bay movie, that isn’t necessarily a good thing. It’s frenetic, confusing, and after the third sequence, you’ve spaced out and started thinking about whether or not the gum on the bottom of your seat still has any flavor. (No, the answer is always no.)
The plot doesn’t really matter, because the writers (who also penned this year’s great Star Trek reboot) decided that a coherent storyline, even for a brainless summer blockbuster, wasn’t relevant. It’s nothing but cliches, poorly constructed dialogue and Linkin Park songs.
And yes, it might seem pointless, but I’m the type who likes to see some effort put into a movie. They had a budget of 200 million (What recession?), yet they seemingly only had 27 minutes to write the screenplay. I imagine Michael Bay was standing over them yelling “I said more explosions!” the entire time while rubbing one out to a CG poster of Optimus Prime.
But unfortunately, the movie was a hit, which means there will be a third Transformers. And a fourth. And probably a fifth. And if that’s the case, perhaps the producers can take some time to listen to the fans (you know, when they aren’t lighting cigars from $100 bills) so that the next installments don’t suck.
So, without further adieu, here are ten reasons (there are far more, believe me) on why Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is an abomination.
1. It’s running time is a brisk 2 hours and 30 minutes – Two and a half hours is fine if you’re Steven Spielberg and it’s Schindler’s List, but it’s an effing movie about alien robots and Megan Fox’s ta-tas. Let’s keep it under two hours, boys.
2. Michael Bay is the director – When you’ve made Bad Boys 2, Armageddon and Pearl Harbor and this movie is considered to be your worst to date, you know you’ve done something wrong. That’s like being Hitler and doing something worse than the holocaust.
3. The script was apparently written by eight-year-old boys – Megan Fox’s leg getting humped by a robot? Check. Two robots that are nothing more than blatant black stereotypes? Check. Gigantic robot testicles? Check and mate.
4. John Turturro’s thong – You read that right. The guy from those Heineken commercials + IMAX + ass = *shudder*
5. This.
6. The plot had more holes that a Chinese phone book on Mother’s Day – What? That doesn’t even make sense. Just like this movie.
7. Megan Fox has yet to learn how to act – To her credit, Fox has admitted this. Good for you Megan. I still think you’re hot.
8. Michael Bay is the director – This just bears repeating.
9. If this movie were a car, it would cost $100,000, it would burst into flames if the radio gets too loud, and a grizzly bear would punch you in the nuts when you put on your seat belt – Also, it’s a Pontiac.
10. Your mom liked it – She did, bro.
Tags: Megan Fox · The Angry Movie Review · This movie totally blows · Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen7 Comments
Hurrah! I thought I was the only person on the planet who thought it was a steaming pile of dog turd.
I can’t disagree on a single point you’ve made, they’re all fair and accurate! (and sadly yes, even #10).
Okay, I usually agree with all your posts, and while I cant really argue this. I do sort of disagree.
I feel like you cant ever take Transformers seriously. You have to turn your brain off when you see movies like this. Especially sequels. The reason this movie was tolerable, and decent, for me, is because it’s very self aware. It never tries to be anything it’s not. It knows it’s just a stupid action popcorn summer blockbuster. It’s not trying to be anything but. Even the actors admit this.
Is 2 and a half hours too long? Yes, but its made FOR Transformers fans. You can bet people who are die hard Transformers fans (they do exist) loved it.
MIchael Bay is a fine director…of what he does. He’s not trying to direct The Godfather or the Shawshank Redemption. He knows what hes good at and he usually sticks to it. Transformers and Michael Bay are practically made for each other.
The script was at times, awful. However, there were a surprising amount of clever lines dispersed throughout. The only real problem with the script for me is the dialogue from the Transformers.
John Turturros thong…I cant argue this.
The plot does have holes. But only for people who dont really care, like us. I guarantee if you ask a fan junkie to explain the plot in detail, they could. Without any holes.
Megan Fox is…in fact…awful. And my mom will never see this.
Having said that, the movie is nothing to brag about. It’s average at best.
@Justin Good points, of course, but I don’t think that you’re giving Michael Bay a bit too much credit by implying the self-awareness of this production.
Just because this is a “turn-off-your-brain” movie, that doesn’t mean that they need to go out of their way to insult the audience. A few burnt calories from the screenwriters could go a long way to making this movie vastly superior to the first. The entire sub-plot of the human-robot was silly and useless, and the Decepticon’s inability to kill Sam was laughable.
You are a moron. Its a movie based of a cartoon from the 1980s. It was only supposed to have two things lots of robots fighting and hot ass megan fox. If you expected more than this you are a moron.
You expect a deeper plot? ITS A MOVIE BASED OF A FRIGGING CARTOON. What part of this makes you think theres going to be some kind of plot to this film?
Also, Im happy you were offended by the twins. The more people who are offended the happier I am.
Wow. Somebody’s cranky.
Ian…youre a waste of oxygen. Stop breathing.
The movie was fucking horrible. Just………..horrible. For people that say “its based on a cartoon, its not supposed to make sense” b.s.- the cartoon had an ongoing plot that was simple enough for 4 yr olds to understand. This pos was NOT for children and was not written for anyone with an iq over 15. it was sexually explicit and I am sure I never saw nuts on the cartoon. Megan fox had no point in the story and the tit shots just got irritating. the ebonics robots were just stupid as well as the portrayal of megatron as a puss. bleh. they owe me 20 bucks for having watched the pos. you hear me Bay? Gimme my money back and promise to never film again. EVER.
Your so right. I hated everything about that movie and has become my least favorite movie. I even hated the first one and Michael Bay sucks.